Leaning Into the Hard Stuff

Driving home from the academic awards ceremony from Brendan and Kiki's high school, I complained to Malcolm about how adding the 7th and 8th graders to the agenda was a bad idea. The ceremony was nearly 2 1/2 hours long and it felt like this year, the year my children are seniors, the seniors were short-changed.

I told Malcolm after 4 years of watching the parade of seniors walking up to claim their prize, this year's scholarship recognition ceremony felt rushed. I said my issue was wanting to see how these students we have known and loved for 4 years did in the scholarship race. Malcolm, the wise soul that he is, didn't say much. Being married to a peri-menopausal woman who is about to lose both her babies is a dangerous job. I notice he is quiet about a lot of things these days.

Anyway, this morning when Daisy and I were on our morning jaunt those same feelings of anger/resentment rose up again about what I thought was a "botched" job. At the 1/2 mile mark I was feeling pretty self-righteous about the whole thing. A mile later, doubt crept in. Perhaps the ceremony was wonderful just the way it was. In fact, maybe it wasn't all those other seniors I was worried about, only my seniors. Ouch! It was true. I was more interested in the accolades I wanted my children to receive than I was the benefit of the entire the community. Gross! I am one of those moms who seeks gratification through her children. I really think it would be much easier to pass through this life unconscious sometimes.

Contemplative Outreach teaches a beautiful prayer, called the Welcoming Prayer. It allows one to "dance with her demons." The "dance" begins with the intention to consent to the presence and action of the indwelling Spirit, followed by 3 parts:
first, notice the uncomfortable sensation in your body; second, welcome and name the uncomfortable sensation/feeling (in my case, "pride"); and finally, release it by saying:

• I let go of my desire for CONTROL/POWER
• I let go of my desire for AFFECTION/ESTEEM
• I let go of my desire for SECURITY/SURVIVAL
• I let go of my desire to CHANGE (this situation, feeling, emotion, thought, commentary, body sensation, or event)

It is one of the most counter-intuitive responses to difficult emotions I can imagine. Yet it is powerful and it has helped me countless time "be with" anger, fear, greed, you name it, and eventually the hold the emotion has on me seems to dissipate. It is as if by LEANING INTO the hard stuff we can embrace it...immobilizing its power over us.

Well, it took a few miles, but eventually I was able to own up to my silly need for approval and even forgive myself for being selfish and petty. I felt lighter during that last 1/2 mile and was free to notice the wild daisies that have cropped up everywhere.

If you are interested in learning more about Welcoming Prayer, I encourage you to go to the Contemplative Outreach website . Happy Leaning! Let's face it, we can turn our back on those demons, but eventually they'll catch up to us one way or another. I just wish there weren't so many of them.