Day 28: A Selfish Gift

"...forgive us our trespasses as we
forgive those who trespass against..."

That whole as we forgive those who trespass against us deal can be like pushing a boulder uphill. Praying for forgiveness...piece of cake!

For most of us, when we feel resentment, it resides in our guts. We relive an unkind word...years of abuse...a missed opportunity to be supported, and our solar plexus tightens as if in protection from the pain. But the pain is there, as real as the air we breath; sometimes, all we breath is our pain.

Small transgressions can be easy to forgive, especially when the other party sincerely seeks forgiveness. But the big ones, infidelity, a parent who seemed uninterested/uncaring, a child who steals from his or her own mother, these can take years of hard work to move past. And if the one who hurt us shows no remorse, the challenge is even more difficult.

We can pretend we aren't hurt...bury the betrayal in the backyard of our heart. But every once in a while, something will happen to nudge the bone toward the surface, our resentment triggering cramps in our gut and hardening in our hearts.

Responding to a question regarding the death of her son, actress Jill St. John said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." When we hold on to our anger and hurt, in essence we relive our pain over and over and over again.

Forgiveness is a gift we give...not only to the other party, but also to ourselves.

But how do we truly release and forgive? This can be difficult to say the least. For some of us, it may take years to heal old wounds; for others a moment of grace opens our hearts in a new way. Here are some ideas. I would like to thank Dr. Fisher Humphries as many of these ideas come from attending a class on forgiveness which he led at Beeson Divinity School's Lay Academy.

Name the person/group who hurt you and what they did to you that was unfair. You cannot begin to forgive until you honestly address this issue.

At some point, we have to choose to want to forgive. I remember during my divorce how attached I was to telling my "story." Each time I rehashed the perceived injustices, I could feel my resentment and indignation grow. I wanted others to validate my anger, my pain. I was not working on forgiveness...I was working on being "right." Like an addict who was sick of her hate hangovers, I finally grew tired of my own rants...that was a turning point toward forgiveness.

Choose to do your enemies no harm. Do not be rude to them, gossip about them, or even to believe the worst about them.

Surrender your desire to forgive to God. When I think of all the times I have knocked on God's door asking for forgiveness...truly feeling a sense of forgiveness...when I consider Christ's words on the cross, "Forgive them for they know not what they do," the forgiving I need to do seems less daunting. When forgiveness seemed nearly impossible, I prayed with the INTENTION of one day being able to forgive.

Remember the one who hurt you is a human being making mistakes, possibly hurting too. This does not mean condoning mean or abusive behavior...forgiveness is NOT condoning and it usually doesn't mean forgetting. However, if we can see the "other" as a child of God...understand something about their story, even pray for their well being, we can at least see them in a different light. Perhaps that light will be the path toward healing. A simple mantra is helpful, "May X be happy, be peaceful, know love."

Realize that holding on to the resentment is causing you pain (probably more so than the person with whom you are upset). In his book, Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox says, "Setting others free means setting yourself free, because resentment is really a form of attachment....When you hold resentment against anyone, you are bound to that person by a cosmic link, a real, though mental chain."

Seek support, especially if the resentment/anger is causing you to lash out at yourself and others. Find friends, professionals, who want to help you move past your pain. If you find some friends like to "feed the fire" either avoid them or at least talking about the subject. They may seem like they have your best interest in mind, but they may actually be inhibiting your ability to grow past the pain. Seeking professional help is a sign of strength not weakness. Forgiveness is courageous work.

Realize that forgiveness isn't fair. Holding on for restitution or some place of "equal" is a hook that will keep you coming back to the poisonous well. At some point, you will be able to acknowledge the injustice (not justify it), feel a sense of sadness for yourself at having experienced it, and let go of the desire for the other to "make it all better."

Forgiveness does not have to mean actually talking to/meeting with the other. In some circumstances, we might want to offer our forgiveness directly to the other. Sometimes, that is not wise...especially if you will be putting yourself in danger of future harm or if the other person is incapable of "hearing" your apology and their response would only increase your pain. Maybe you can write a forgiveness letter and burn it. Hold some kind of forgiveness ceremony. Offer prayers and then LET IT GO.

Below is a prayer that has been helpful to me. It was written by Dr. Bozarth a therapist and Episcopal Priest.

I bless you
I release you

I let you be
I let me be

I set you free
I set me free.

Forgiveness, a truly selfish gift. Namaste

Book suggestions: Forgive and Forget, Lewis B. Smedes, Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox, and Mending the Heart, John Claypool.