Day 35: Savin' Aint Lovin'

The other day I was with a group of people and someone suggested I might be able to help an organization that was in great need. One of the women at the table jokingly placed her hand in front of her mouth, turning from the other woman saying, "You don't have to be the savior...don't save them!"

When Brendan and Kiki were younger I would frequently want to rescue them from feeling any hurt or pain. Shouldn't I protect them? But sometimes my protecting went well beyond what was healthy for them or healthy for me.

Their first year in a new high school, Brendan was playing football and Kiki had decided not to play a sport that season. Other than Brendan, she didn't know anyone at the school and wanted me to come and pick her up, hang out with her in town until after his practice was over and then drive them both home.

For the first week I accommodated Kiki, but I began to resent the time spent in a coffee shop waiting when I had so many other things I could be doing. The next week I informed Kiki she would have to find something to do on campus until Brendan was finished. She was angry and apprehensive. When 3:15 rolled around on the first day of our new schedule, I had a pit in my stomach; every inch of my being wanted to swoop in and save her from being alone...uncomfortable...scared.

I picked them up at 5:30 and Kiki seemed fine, but would not admit anything positive about her experience. By the end of the week, she had found a cadre of girls to hang out with that four years later continue to be her closest friends.

Of course, sometimes when we choose not to be the hero and fill the void, things don't work out so well. Loved ones struggling with addiction can be particularly difficult. The line between being supportive and standing in the way of the another's growth is razor thin.

When I was going through my divorce, I started to understand that "savin' aint lovin." Also, that my need to be the savior said more about my need to be needed; need to control the situation, than it did about the other person.

Take a few minutes to reflect: Is there someone, or some organization, that you repeatedly feel you need to save? Sit with this for a while...why don't I trust the other to be able to solve this on their own? What am I afraid will happen if I don't rescue? What need am I trying to fulfill by being the savior? How could I do this differently? Be gentle with yourself and the other...this savin'/lovin' confusion is widespread. If we can be honest with ourselves and approach the relationship from a different place, we may find a wonderful new way of truly loving. Namaste